The Lady and the Crux

CARLA FELT HER fingers start to slip. As she clung to the gritty sandstone, she could feel every tiny grain of it’s textured surface sliding out from underneath the tips of her fingers, a slow motion release from the half-inch edge of rock holding her to the side of the cliff. She grimaced and grunted from her belly and held on with everything she had. 

But the sandstone spit Carla’s fingers loose and she was in a freefall. The pocketed wall of red sandstone in front of her rushed upwards as she rushed downwards, weightless long enough for her to wonder to herself when the rope was going to catch her. 

Then it did, and she felt Lilli’s weight on the other side of the rope arrest her downward force. The rope stretched and absorbed the energy of the fall, swinging Carla up against the wall. She caught herself against it with her feet and gently pushed herself back off. She hung in the middle of the air, and looked up at the tiny edge of sandstone twenty feet above her. 

“Good go,” Lilli said. “You’re so close.” 

“Not close enough,” Carla said. “You can lower me all the way.” 

Lilli slowly paid the rope out through her belay device until Carla set her feet gently on the ground and muttered “Off belay,” before digging with obvious frustration into the knot that connected the rope to her harness. 

“You’ll get it Carla,” Lilli said. “You’re so, so close. You’ve got it in the bag with just a couple more tries.” 

“I don’t know,” Carla said. She looked at Lilli in the dim evening light. “That’s probably it for today, and tomorrow’s my last chance.” 

“I’m not going to sugarcoat this,” Lilli said, “but it would be a damn shame to put this much time into a route and not send it before we hit the road.” 

Carla looked up at the anchors at the top of the route. She visualized herself at the top, clipping the rope into the anchors, glorious completion of a project she’d been working on since the spring climbing season. Now, at the end of the fall season, she had one more day left to get up to those chains all in one go without falling. 

She’d figured out all of the moves on Paradise Lost, graded at 5.13a and regarded as one of the top-tier hard routes in Kentucky’s Red River Gorge. It would be her first 5.13, a goal she'd been working toward for years. She’d worked it over and over so she knew exactly what handholds and foot placements would work for her in each section, but she’d yet to pull them all together in one smooth, uninterrupted dance with the rock. And like Lilli had said, it would really be a shame to have spent so much time on it and leave town without sending. 

The sun had long since dipped below the horizon, and now the evening light was waning quickly. Carla felt the chill immediately and pulled her puffy jacket on over her lightweight climbing top. “Well, let’s pack it in. That’s all for today at least.” 

They packed up their gear, strapped on their headlamps to light the way, and started down the trail that led the way out of the nature preserve.

THAT NIGHT, CARLA lay awake in her bunk, rehearsing the moves to Paradise Lost in her head. Her eyes were closed and she visualized herself reaching for each handhold and stepping to every foot placement. Unconsciously, she moved her hands and feet under the covers as she did so. Everything else fell away, and it felt like she was there, doing the climb, almost to the anchors—

And then Lilli rolled over in the top bunk and farted, bringing her back to their cabin and reality. She turned over and clamped her eyes shut and tried to get some sleep. Tomorrow was her last chance, and she wanted to be well-rested.

COLD MORNING AIR and the smell of hot coffee got Carla out of bed just as the sun started to peek through the window. She put on her Rockhouse t-shirt, pulled on a pair of jeans, and went out to the kitchen. Lilli was in her robe, making breakfast. 

“Morning sleepyhead,” Lilli said as she poured a steaming mug of coffee for Carla. 

“Morning,” Carla said, gratefully accepting the mug. She blew over the rim to cool it down. 

“You’re on the morning shift right?”

“Last one of the season,” Carla said after a sip of coffee. “Thank god.” 

“Okay, so I’ll pick you up at noon?” 

“Make it one,” Carla said. “It’ll be too hot at the crag if we go any earlier.” 

“It’s a date,” Lilli said. She sipped her own mug. “And then you send.” 

“Are you sure you don’t mind spending our last day here watching me hang on this stupid project?” 

“I would mind, actually,” Lilli said. “But luckily you aren’t going to be hanging on it.” She leaned over the counter and gave Carla a kiss. “You’re going to the top,” she said. “Now get your ass to work. I’ll see you later.” Lilli turned back to the stove and picked up a spatula to stir her oatmeal. 

AT THE ROCKHOUSE, Carla took her spot at the counter and pushed a final piece of biscuit into her mouth just as the first group walked in. Two girls, two guys, decked out in their puffy jackets and climbing pants. They ordered and she gave them a number to put on their table, but one of the guys hung back. 

“You from around here?” he asked. 

“No, just here for the season,” she said. 

“Oh, really? That’s surprising.” 

Carla stood up straight, knowing what was coming. “Why’s it surprising?” 

“I guess I just don’t see too many people who look like you at the crag,” he said. With a look in his eye that made Carla’s stomach turn, he said, “It’s kind of hot.” 

“People like me?” she asked. He stared dumbly. “What do mean, ‘people that look like me.’

“You know,” he said, glancing over at his companions at their table nervously, “black people.” 

“And?” 

“Well, I don’t know,” he said. He ran a hand through his hair. “I guess I’m just, I’m sorry if I offended you somehow, I just meant that, I think it’s cool is all.” 

“Listen man,” Carla said. She looked to see who was in the kitchen and might overhear, and then decided she didn’t care who heard what she had to say. It was her last day anyway. “Just saying something like that reminds me of the fact that I don’t see that many black faces at the crag. Just saying it makes me feel excluded, and perpetuates the same attitudes that are part of the exact reason why you don’t see that many black people in climbing.  And it reminds me that my passion is so dominated by white people that people like you don’t mind reducing me to the token black person at the crag, or the token black person who climbs, or whatever. So next time you’re going to say some ignorant shit like that, just don’t.” 

“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way—”

“That’s the only way you could mean that,” Carla said, working hard to keep her voice even-keeled despite growing frustration. “There’s no other way for me to interpret it. It doesn’t matter what your intention was—although let’s be real here, your intention was apparently to single me out as black and hit on me because of it—but even if your intentions had been good or just simply ignorant, it would still make me feel that way.” 

“I, uhhh, I—” 

Carla let him stammer for a few more uncomfortable seconds, relishing the fact that he was now just as uncomfortable as his comment had made her, and then said, “Just go sit down and eat your food and stop and think next time before you say something about the color of someone’s skin.” He stared at her, speechless, and then mumbled another sullen apology before walking over and sitting down at his table. 

The rest of her shift went by without incident, and by the time she clocked out she had forgotten the latest entry to her long list of ignorant white people saying something dumb. She was waiting in the parking lot when Lilli pulled in, and jumped in the car as fast as she could. There was something far more important on her mind now: Paradise Lost. 

THEY PARKED AND hiked into the crag in afternoon sun filtered through a canopy of beech, pine, and oak leaves. The forest was quiet, animals hidden in their secret places to slumber away the afternoon heat. A mild scent of dirt and bark and moisture rode a gentle breeze. 

Carla watched as Paradise Lost came into view: sixty feet of proud arete, where two rock faces came together in a sharp point, it’s overhanging angle riddled with the weatherworn pockets and slots her fingers would use to haul herself up the wall. 

While Carla and Lilli got their gear out and started to get ready, a boisterous pair of voices spoiled the tranquility of the forest. Two men came down the trail, already in their harnesses, one of them carrying their rope on his shoulders, going on about their escapades the night before. When they spotted Carla and Lilli, they lowered their voices conspiratorially, and Carla guessed they were thinking favorably about the gender ratios. 

Carla was cinching the knot that connected her harness to the rope when they approached. The taller of the two, olive-skinned with dark hair, was looking at the knot. The other guy started paying out their rope on the ground to check for knots and handed the other guy one end to tie in with. 

“Hi,” he said. “How you guys doing?” 

“Good,” Carla said. “You?” 

“Not too bad,” he said. He started tying into the rope his partner had handed him. “What are you hopping on?” 

“Paradise Lost,” Carla said. 

“You? Wow.” 

“Yes, me,” Carla said, guard fully up now. 

He looked at her knot again. “What’s going on there?” 

“What do you mean?” Carla said, bracing herself. 

“That knot looks funny, not like the normal figure-eight.” 

“It’s a figure eight,” Carla said. 

“Hmmm,” he said, clearly doubting her. “Are you sure? Shouldn’t it look like this?” He showed her his knot, which Carla saw was not dressed well and had too much extra tail hanging out of the end. 

“Dude,” Lilli said. “She’s projecting 5.13. I think she knows how to tie in.” 

“Of course I’m sure,” Carla said to the guy. She couldn’t believe this guy. “It’s a Yosemite finish. Google it when you get home.” 

“Okay, geez, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Carla said, “but don’t just assume people don’t know what they’re doing because they look different than you.” 

“It’s not about that,” he said. 

“Okay, keep telling yourself that.” 

“Look, I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to offend you.” 

“Well, you did,” she said. She felt anger rising in her. Not what she wanted to feel right before she tried to do the hardest route she’d ever done. 

“Look, do you mind if I put a burn on this real quick?” he said, glancing back at his companion. “We’re ready to go, and it shouldn’t take too long.” 

Carla was appalled he would even suggest it, but the thought of them finishing up and leaving the crag to just Carla and Lilli was appealing. And she needed a few minutes to collect herself before she was ready to climb anyhow. “Yeah,” she said, shaking her head and untying from her rope, “go for it.” 

“Okay, thanks,” he said. He turned to his companion. “You ready?” His companion nodded. “Okay, here I go.” 

The guy pulled onto the wall. As he started climbing, Carla had to look away. There was no way this wasn’t going to ‘take too long.’ He was struggling from the very first move, and had to put his weight on his belayer and the rope at the very first chance he got. 

“Just hold me here for a second,” he said. 

Carla hung a block of wood with some beveled edges on it from a tree limb nearby. She stretched her fingers for a minute or so and then hung from the wood block by her fingertips to warm up her tendons. Mentally, she tried to level herself out so she could perform on the climb when these jackasses left. 

He kept on struggling and—with excruciatingly poor form in Carla’s opinion—got stuck less than halfway and couldn’t make it any further up the route. He left a piece of gear on the wall and had his companion lower him to the ground. 

“Wow, that’s kind of stiff,” he said when he was on the ground. “You been on this thing before?” he asked Carla. 

“Yeah, I’ve been working it all season,” she said. 

“Think you can grab that quickdraw for me?” He had had to leave a piece of gear clipped into one of the bolts on the wall to get down safely, and had no way to get it back now. There was nothing in Carla that wanted to help this rude person, but she was eager for them to take off. 

“You had enough after just one go?” she said. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” he said. “5.13’s pretty stiff here at the Red, huh.” 

“It’s hard anywhere,” she said. “But this is supposed to be one of the Red’s friendlier ones.” 

“That? No way.” 

“That’s what they say.” 

“Damn,” he said. “Well, if you could grab that draw for me that would be killer.” 

“Yeah, I’ll get it.” 

“Thanks,” he said. 

Carla tied in again and started up the climb, easily pulling through the lower sequence that she had memorized, up to the point where his piece of gear was. She found a balanced place to hang from one arm, took his quickdraw off the bolt, replaced it with her own and clipped the rope in, then called for Lilli to take the slack out of the rope so she could sit back on it and rest. 

“You ready?” she called down to the guy. He nodded. Carla tossed the quickdraw down to him and he caught it. 

“Thanks again,” he said. “Sorry about the knot thing.” 

“There’s more than one way to tie in,” Carla said. “Don’t assume you know the best way to do everything.” He gave a meek little wave, and then they turned down the trail to hike back to the parking lot. “You can let me down Lilli, thanks.” 

“You don’t want to check out the upper moves?” 

“Nah, dirt me.” 

Lilli let her down. 

How many hours had Carla spent on this one climb, how many of her days and how many miles up and down the trail to get here and how many hours of standing around for Lilli? And now she had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen. Oh well. Her feet lightly hit the ground and she was back on her own two feet. 

“Distracted?” Lilli asked. 

“Yeah, a little bit,” Carla said. “You want to hop on something?” 

“Sure,” Lilli said. 

Lilli got on her own project just a few yards away, and they spent the rest of the evening climbing easy routes and having fun. Carla had a hard time focusing and figured she wasn’t in the right frame of mind for Paradise Lost and just kind of let it go for the moment, enjoying a lightness of being and enjoyment of climbing she hadn’t known she’d been missing until she was feeling it. They finished up the last climb as the sun was setting, put on their headlamps and hiked back to the parking lot, then drove over to the Rockhouse.

BEHIND THE ROCKHOUSE, Carla and Lilli sat on two grubby milk crates and leaned back against the exterior wall of the walk-in fridge that had been added on a couple years ago. They nursed bottles of beers and reminisced over the last few months in the Red until they were both a little buzzed. 

“I just can’t believe that clown today. Trying to tell me how to tie in, and then asking if he could get on the climb first just to flail around like an idiot.” 

“Pretty unbelievable,” Lilli said. 

“It’s so frustrating that I’m over here trying to break through a plateau in my own training and climbing, trying to figure out how to tell my own self that I’ve got what it takes, and then on top of that I have to try to overcome racist, sexist bullshit at the crag trying to tell me otherwise?” 

“It’s not fair,” Lilli said. “Not at all. Double the work to get to the same place.”

“And his knot looked like shit anyways!”

They laughed together, with their arms around each other, nearly tipping over sideways off their milk crates. 

“And now I’m leaving at the end of the season” Carla said, “and all that work that went into that climb is going to get tucked into the back of my head somewhere and god knows whether I’ll be able to bring it back when we come back in the spring.” 

“You’ll be able to remember it.” Lilli said. She sipped her beer and thought for a second. “Also, what if we went tomorrow?” 

“Huh?” Carla said, sipping her beer. 

“We could go by Paradise Lost on the way out of town in the morning.” 

“Do you want to?” Carla said. “Really?” 

“Why not?” Lilli said. She sipped her beer and put her arm around Carla, the slick ripstop fabric of their puffy jackets swish-swishing against each other. “It’ll be nice and cool, no one will be there, with any luck it won’t be humid.” She looked at Carla. “Why not?” she said again. 

“Because you’ve been standing around under that climb while I try to make it happen for far too long already.” 

“Yeah, but the view is nice,” Lilli said with a lascivious smile. “Especially when you wear your green yoga pants.” 

Carla pushed herself away from Lilli in jest. “You dog!” Lilli reached out and pulled Carla back in for a kiss. 

“Let’s do it,” she said when they separated.

“Okay, let’s do it,” Carla said. “Tomorrow morning, I finally climb 5.13.” 

“On just one condition,” Lilli said. 

“Which is?” 

“Three words,” Lilli said. “Green. Yoga. Pants.” Lilli barely got the words out before bursting into laughter. 

“Oh my god,” Carla said, pushing Lilli off her milk crate and heading inside. “Want another one?” 

“Yes, please,” Lilli said as she pulled herself back onto the milk crate and leaned back against the wall, feeling very content.  

THE BIRDS WERE chirping and the sun was shining and the rock was still cool from the night before and the humidity was mercifully low and Carla had a good feeling. She was slightly hungover from the night before but she had slept like a rock. After she warmed up on a couple other climbs, she was feeling fresh and rested and energized and ready to take her final go at Paradise Lost. 

Lilli was ready to belay, and gave her the go ahead to start climbing. Her hands and feet moved in their rehearsed sequences, grabbing edges and pockets and standing on nubs and shallow depressions in the wall, staying in balance and moving gracefully. 

She reminded herself to breathe, and felt her heart rate come down a little bit. She was halfway, and just a few feet from the highest point she’d ever gotten to in one go. A few more moves and she was there, and then a second later she was moving past it to a big hold and to a big move that came next. She coiled her body slightly, and then sprung up, keeping her eyes focused on the narrow edge where she needed her fingers to land. Her fingers gripped the sandstone and held, and she set her feet and did another lunge to the next hand hold, this one slightly bigger and more comfortable. Her fingers stuck there too, and she started to get a good feeling. 

She slowed down and reminded herself to breathe again. She planted her feet on the wall and hung from one arm, and then the other, and then back to the other, letting the ache in her forearms dissipate before she moved on. It was easier climbing from here on out, but she had to be careful to not to mess it up. 

Two more big reaches brought her to a delicate move where she had to shift her body weight and balance while holding onto the tiniest hand hold she’d ever held onto, and when she looked up, she saw the big, hollowed-out hueco just above the anchor. One more big move to get her hand on the rim of that hueco and she was home free. She coiled, sprung, slapped her hand on the rim and felt it stick. She screamed in elation. She could hear Lilli at the base of the cliff doing the same. 

She clipped her rope into the anchors, the official point at which you’ve sent the route and can call it complete if you didn’t fall on the way up, and Lilli began to lower her to the ground. Hanging in midair, before she’d even caught her breath from the extreme effort she’d just exerted, Carla was already wondering where she’d find the next challenge.

Cover photo courtesy of Ken Stigler under Creative Commons.